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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your failure to produce proper cars and elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".


3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the
former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. Tax
collectorsfrom Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation

Penny :D
 

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Josh_LX said:
*raises hand* Does this mean the R34 GT-R is finally legal?
BWAHAHAH!!! ...nice one! :p

Personally I don't see any problem here

I already do the "Favour", "Colour" ...and it's a ZX2 (ZED-X2) anyways.... :D :D :lol:
 

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Skuce said:
Josh_LX said:
*raises hand* Does this mean the R34 GT-R is finally legal?
BWAHAHAH!!! ...nice one! :p

Personally I don't see any problem here

I already do the "Favour", "Colour" ...and it's a ZX2 (ZED-X2) anyways.... :D :D :lol:
That's cause you're a Canuck. You don't care aboot the US, eh.

lol :p
 

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James92Scort said:
That's cause you're a Canuck. You don't care aboot the US, eh.
Sure he cares all aboot you, even way oot here in Canadia (oops, sorry for yet another jab, marclar :p ). He already volunteered to sacrifice himself to any American supermodels who wish to escape Bush's tyranny. That Skuce, he's a good man.

Very entertaining, Foxy. I'm completely in your corner on this one, but to ensure we get a good hornet's nest stirred up here...

1. "Duty" not "dutie", since we're being all righteous and dignified about proper use of the English language.
2. The World Series is in fact named after a now-defunct New York Newspaper, called "The World", the proprieters of which used to sponsor the baseball playoffs way back in the day. So, in fact, to call it the World Series is not presumptuous at all, but rather traditional.
3. Canadians have also largely chosen to use "-ize" as opposed to "-ise".
 

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You can have my gun. When you pry it for my cold dead fingers. And i dont have a problem with giving up the cars. Just make sure you bring me a cossie or 2 when the rules go into effect.
 

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gt19ho said:
You can have my gun. When you pry it for my cold dead fingers. And i dont have a probelm with giving up the cars. Just make sure you bring me a cossie or 2 when the rules go into effect.
Or a GT-R, I'll take one fo those. In black please.
 

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This was great. I for one would have no problem having to learn to adjust ot British/European ways of doing some things. But if we're making care requests for the new rules of ownership... I'd like an M5 or a Cossie please...

Good one Foxy, almost as funny as the time te King thought he could stop us from telling him to "sod off" did I use that properly? just making sure now that I'm gonna have to use terms like that instead of my good old @#%&*$ and &$*%$#@^*%*&... hahaha
 

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PENNY!!!!!!!!! :D
Where have you been?
GReat to see you :D
feoa without penny :arrow: :cry:
---------with penny :arrow: :D
BTW have none of you seen that before?
 

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Can't say that I have... you know how the American Media censors all the important news... :lol:

And BTW, Forgive me for not extending a hand in welcoming return to Penny. I was wondering where you'd gone off to. I had feared that you'd sold Eric... you haven't have you?

and I'm not sure if I ever asked you this before, but did you name your car after "Eric the half a bee"? I love Monty Python and every time I see your car I think of that sketch and how it could work for your car... "Hullo, I need to get a plate for my pet car.... Eric..."
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Have I sold my Eric??** Good gracious no! I've been around but not posting much of late.

"Eric" was named after a particularly revolting hat I once had! lol. I do remember the Monty Python sketch though, and he is my 'pet' I suppose. :wink:

Latest photo:-



Courtesy of Badboy Remixed.

Penny:D
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
highanddry said:
James92Scort said:
That's cause you're a Canuck. You don't care aboot the US, eh.
Sure he cares all aboot you, even way oot here in Canadia (oops, sorry for yet another jab, marclar :p ). He already volunteered to sacrifice himself to any American supermodels who wish to escape Bush's tyranny. That Skuce, he's a good man.

Very entertaining, Foxy. I'm completely in your corner on this one, but to ensure we get a good hornet's nest stirred up here...

1. "Duty" not "dutie", since we're being all righteous and dignified about proper use of the English language.
2. The World Series is in fact named after a now-defunct New York Newspaper, called "The World", the proprieters of which used to sponsor the baseball playoffs way back in the day. So, in fact, to call it the World Series is not presumptuous at all, but rather traditional.
3. Canadians have also largely chosen to use "-ize" as opposed to "-ise".
Duly 'edited.' Actually, it was a typo - should have read 'duties.'

Penny :D
 

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Amen on the English football!!!

I also don't have a problem losing American cars as long as we get the aforementioned cossie.

You might have a small problem with me and my beloved firearms. I believe gt19ho put it best, "you can have my gun when you pry it from my cold dead fingers." Maybe you should consider having me inlist in her Majesties SAS.
 
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