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1,027 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
After having their 11th child, a Scouse couple decided that was enough, as
they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and
told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The
doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the
problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get
a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Scouser
said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't
see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the
can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he
paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting
on his other hand. This procedure also works in Birmingham, Newcastle and
anywhere in Ireland or Scotland

(Scouse = person from Liverpool)

2,196 Posts
Heh, that one works for Alabama, Louisiana, Arkansas, West Virginia.. Florida (cept we all know they can't really count at all) here in the States.

Here's one I heard on the radio:

A guy answers an ad in the paper for a cheap motorbike, and is pleased to find a beautiful chromed cruiser in mint condition. He quickly closes the deal before the seller has a chance to change his mind. Once he has the title and the keys in his hand, he asks the man, "How have you kept that bike looking so great??"

"Well," the guy says, with a touch of pride, "Anytime I see rain a-comin, I run out with my tub of Vasoline® and spread a thin coating all over every inch of the bike. It keeps the water off of it, and keeps the shine in."
The man, clearly proud of his new bike, is riding with his new girlfriend, to her parents' house for dinner.

"There's something I need to tell you about," she yells in his ear. "We have a rule in my parent's house, anyone who speaks during dinner has to wash the dishes"

"That's kinda strange," he says, "but I don't think I'll have a problem keeping quiet."
As he enters the house for the first time, he's amazed to see a pile of dishes that consumes the kitchen.. there's another room with a pile of silverware that goes to the ceiling. These folks haven't washed their dishes since WWII, he thinks to himself.

Sitting down to dinner he's careful not to say anything but finds his mind wandering a bit with nothing to talk about. As he sits looking at his hot new girlfriend he becomes wildly aroused. Her parents won't dare say anything for fear of washing those dishes, he says to himself as he clears a spot on the table, and throws his girlfriend down. The table is jumping everywhere, glasses are spilling and the dad is having trouble getting the food off his plate as his daughter is being ravaged on the table in front of him.. but he says nothing.

The daughter sits back down and resumes eating dinner, but the young man still feels some wild urges. Next thing you know, the mother is lying on the table, spread eagle, while he has his way with her. Again, the father says nothing.

The mother sits back down, and continues eating when the young man notices that it's starting to rain outside. Thinking only of his new bike, and forgetting about the family dinner rules, he blurts out, "Do you have any Vasoline®?"

The father, bright red with rage, stands up, throws down his napkin and screams, "Alright! Fine! I'll wash the damn dishes!"

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